I put the phone down and broke the news to the team.
It was a crisp November day. The sun was shining and I was having an incredibly time keeping my emotions under wraps. Lets be honest, it had been an emotional month. I had lost the drive to be at my 9 to 5 job and the toll that it was taking on me to continue to look like I was part of the team had drained me of my life force.
I had been working for a financial advisor for the past year and a half. I took this job because I wanted to be able to pay my bills. I was never interested or passionate about being a receptionist, but I was intrigued by the fact that I got to sit on my butt all day and answer emails and make phone calls. Until I wasn't. There were so many times where I felt like I had to quiet my thoughts and press on in my position. My boss was a successful business woman that started her company in her late 20's, she gave up nurturing her children in their younger years, she looked the part of a high end professional but she had the most difficult time dealing with her emotions.
I appreciate the fact that she had put her blood, sweat, and tears into creating the business that she had always dreamed of. For that I really did admired her. What I didn't admire was the fact that she would have temper tantrums and disrupt the office daily. Every morning she would walk through those front doors, click clacking her high priced heels, Starbucks coffee in hand, ready unleash all of her frustrations on the office. She would literally stand in the middle of all of our personal office spaces and go off about how upset she was with her teenage son, how she felt like she wasn't being taken seriously by the head office staff, ultimately she would have a shit fit about how she wasn't getting her way and why everyone should jump to adjust it so she did.
In fact, that was the day that I knew that even 8 million dollars wasn't going to make me happy.
It didn't take me very long to tire of this kind of behavior. There came a point in time where I was so fed up I sat down with her face to face and explained how disruptive her outbursts were. She shed a few tears of frustration, she talked about how she is so upset that she isn't being heard by the higher ups, she acknowledged that she was very passionate about certain subjects and sometimes her emotions got the best of her and slipped out in the office. She even told me that she would be more conscious and do better next time. That promise lasted about a week before I witnessed her slamming the phone on to the receiver and stomping her feet after a phone call with her oldest son. This is when I knew that even after our talk, even after me pouring my heart out to her that she wasn't interested in adjusting her behavior.
It wasn't until months later that I had realized I had emotionally removed myself from my job. Her outbursts still bothered me but the one thing that tipped me off that I had completely check out was the 8 million dollar check.
We had a new client transferring in to our firm that stood to make us a pretty penny. The interesting part is that you would never ever guess that this man was worth upwards of 12 million dollars. He came in dressed in his ripped t-shirt, shorts, and socks over his calves. Essentially the very opposite of the polished image of my boss. He was warm, funny, and we hit it off almost immediately. He came in for a few meetings but was always very slow to make the appropriate moves without some reminding. After much deliberation and months of no contact he came in again for another meeting, my boss quelling all of his concerns and advising him to write up the checks and get moving so we could invest his money.
Finally the day came when he let us know that we were cleared to cash the 8 million dollar check. Now, for most people this would be a cause for celebration, excitement, hip hip horrays and hoo-ras, but for me it was just another day at a job that lacked so much of the passion and the integrity that I was so deeply needing. Even though this was a monumental win for our office, there was nothing inside of me that was celebrating. In fact, that was the day that I knew that even 8 million dollars wasn't going to make me happy.
I believe there comes a time when the universe shows you things in your life that you are best to pay attention to, even though that 8 million dollars was not mean't for me directly, it became clear to me that my success had nothing to do with the success of this business. I also believe that these lessons will keep showing up in the same or different ways pushing you to re-evaluate your life.
Approximately 6 months ago I received that confirmation from the universe after some intense self-discovery work and now as I write this to you these signals are strong again. I think it is a strange and beautiful thing when you know your passion but hesitate to make the leap. There is a learning period that brings you to your knees and for me, a gentle reminder that all that I do that aligns with my purpose will serve me.