A dear friend of mine, also my Reiki healer and I conversed candidly before my session as we usually do. She asked me what I would like to work on today and I explained to her that I had been focused on doing a lot of work around energetically and physically breaking free from some very powerful influences in my life but every time I make a boundary or adjust the way I behave I am hit with a wave of guilt. I heard those words leave my mouth and I could feel them hang in the air as I waited for her reply.
It's been a long journey to this place. It has taken approximately 29 years to get here, and if you know me, that is my whole life. I believe that we spend the first portion of our lives growing up and figuring out ways to be self-sufficient. In this childhood to teenage phase we develop parts of our personality, identity, and set out a blueprint of what we hope for in our future. As we reach maturity, which can be a different age for everyone ( fun fact, the prefrontal cortex- the part of your brain that is required for decision making, future planning, and a variety of other mature skills doesn't fully develop until 26 years old) many of us are faced with what we experienced in our childhood. Most times it is our destiny to repeat learned programming from our parents or primary caregivers and play out scenarios that were modeled for us, healthy or unhealthy.
So I had officially come to my 29th year of life with approximately 7 years of deep digging into my subconscious and extracting all that no longer served me or the way I wanted to live going forward.
I am still flexing and growing this "asking for help" muscle.
One of the hardest lessons that I had to learn was that it is okay to ask for help. In fact, it is mandatory that you ask for help because you are only one person and there are going to be things in your life that you can not go at alone. On the flip side there are people out there willing to help you, wanting to help you and with that script I changed a deeply ingrained limiting belief into one that would serve me and change my life.
I must tell you though, it was not an over night success. I did not jump out of bed one morning and protest " That's it ! I have been holding myself back all of these years by not asking for help, how silly! Now, onward to ask for all the help that I can get with all the things" This process is one that is still in its growth stage. I am still flexing and growing this "asking for help" muscle.
It took me looking into my childhood and seeing that because I was raised in a few homes where the women were the bread-winners, raised the kids, made the choices, and held the family together through grief and loss I took on the role as super woman. I can do anything and I can do it without anyone's help! Somewhere in those years I was taught that asking for help was weak. It became very apparent to me that even when I did ask for help and someone was to turn me down it was natural to feel embarrassed. All of these beliefs and more stopped me from reaching out to others, even if they were experts in their field.
Unearthing these gems that lay frozen in time helped me expand my awareness around the cycle that I was in.
There was a very sensitive and painful moment in my childhood where I asked for the help of three adults, my very closest caregivers and I made every effort to bring this very mature issue to them in a way that they would understand. I did not get the help that I wished for. I did not receive the protection that I needed to feel safe in my own home. I felt for a very long time that these people had failed to help me. This planted a seed in my mind, one that would whisper to me on my darkest days. It would say to me " No one cares for you, no one loves you, no one tried to protect you and make the abuse stop" it would tell me that "you aren't even good enough to be alive".
I carried this with me until I was able to ask for help on my own. When I was able to come forward and spill my pain out for everyone to see, when I finally felt safe to express myself in all of my fullness to my therapist and my group therapy peers. I asked for help in carrying this burden and now as I step into the energetic dimensions with my Reiki healer, I ask her and the universe to help me.